We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how to explore cuckolding and humiliation fetishes.
Q: “My husband enjoys watching me have sex with other men. In the past, we have had occasional threesomes (us plus another man). Recently he told me that he would rather sit back and watch me having sex with other men instead of being involved physically. He also wants to be humiliated, but I have no idea how to begin and what to do with that. I need tips on how how to get started with humiliation, and how to meet men who are OK with having sex with me while my husband watches. Thanks.”
A: Thanks for the question! It’s great that you and your husband are playing around with this sexual fantasy, and that your husband was brave enough to share that he also wants to incorporate humiliation into your sex life. Let’s delve right into your question!
What Exactly Is A Cuckolding Fetish?
First of all, let me back this up a bit for the people out there who might not be familiar with some of the terms and dynamics you’re talking about.
There are lots of people out there who get turned on by the idea of their partner having sex with another person. Some couples play with it in fantasy only; they talk about what it might be like to bring a third person into the bedroom, but don’t actually do it in real life, or they might watch threesome porn together. And of course, some couples do have real-life threesomes or group sex.
There’s a specific subset of this fantasy that involves getting off on watching your partner have sex with another person, without being personally involved. Of course, this is what your husband is talking about. Rather than being intimate with you and the other guy, your husband is more interested in watching the show. This particular fetish is typically called “cuckolding,” or “cucking.” The husband is usually called the “cuck” or the “cuckold,” and the other man is called the “bull” or “stud.” The woman in this scenario is typically called the “hot wife” (even if she’s not married). Of course, you don’t have to use these terms unless you want to, but I’ll be using them here as shorthand as I answer your question.
Does It Always Involve Humiliation?
While some enjoy cuckolding without any sense of humiliation, there are some people who enjoy incorporating an element of humiliation into watching their partners sleep with another person. (So, in other words, not all cuckolding relationships involve humiliation or a lack of participation.) This subset of people wants to up the intensity of the experience by being made to feel shameful or inadequate. Watching your partner getting intimate with another person is already a pretty intense experience, but humiliation can ratchet things up quite a bit.
Right now, I’m sure there are an awful lot of you out there shaking your heads and wondering, “why the hell would someone want to do that?” You’re entitled to your own beliefs, but this column is a judgment-free zone. My personal belief is that as long as all involved parties are consenting adults who are treating each other with respect, anything goes.
The reality is that humans are incredibly motivated by jealousy. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably had the experience of someone else being interested in your partner. Maybe you saw someone turn their head to give your partner a once-over on the street. Maybe you saw someone flirt with your partner at a party. If you think back to that moment, it probably got you really fired up. It might have made your partner seem even more attractive in your own eyes. Now, imagine taking that feeling and multiplying it by 1,000. It can get pretty damn hot.
There are also some potential scientific explanations about why jealousy gets us so fired up, including the theory of “sperm competition.” I won’t get into all of the details here, but the basic idea is that men are primed to compete with other men to sire the most offspring. (You can read a great first-person account of this motivation here.)
When it comes to the humiliation aspect, people have many different reasons for liking humiliation. Some people simply like playing with the taboo, subversive nature of sex. Others are so dominant in their everyday lives that they enjoy the tension of being incredibly submissive in the bedroom.
How To Get Started On Your Own
So let’s get back to your situation. The first thing you should do is ask your husband what he personally means by “humiliation.” In the cuckolding context, men typically like being compared to the Bull in unfavorable ways. Your husband might like the fantasy that the other man is somehow better. The bull might be taller, more muscular, more attractive, more masculine, more alpha. He might have a higher sex drive or better in bed. Typically, most cucks get off on the idea of the bull having a bigger penis, and being able to satisfy the hotwife in ways the cuck can’t. But again, your husband might be thinking about something different. Maybe he would be really turned on by the idea of being forced to help you get ready for dates or buy sexy lingerie that you’re going to wear for the bull only.
Here are some questions you might want to ask:
- “What does humiliation mean to you? What would be your dream scenario?”
- “How and when do you want me to do it? As my bull and I are having sex? When it’s just you and I? Outside of the bedroom?”
- “Who do you want talking to you? Me, the other man, or both of us?”
- “What particular qualities or attributes do you want included in the humiliation?”
- “Is there anything off-limits?”
I would also suggest that you and your husband start exploring humiliation on your own. There are plenty of ways for you to shame him on your own, and it will help the two of you explore your boundaries without the complications of a third person. Many of the Domination and submission games that I shared last week can be used to play around with humiliation. You can also simply try talking about the bull of your dreams, and telling your husband how much better he’s going to be in bed than your husband.
Getting Started With Someone Else
Now let’s address how to find partners that are interested in becoming your bull. I think the Internet is your best friend in this situation. Cuckolding and humiliation are a bit too complex to describe over drinks to a stranger you just met in a loud bar. You and your husband can put up an ad on Craigslist or OKCupid, or you can look at more niche sites like AdultFriendFinder, 3nder, or even cuckolding-specific sites like CuckoldPalace or CuckoldFinder. You and your husband can write out a detailed description of exactly what you’re looking for. The act of writing the ad in and of itself can be a great way for you and your husband to talk about what you’re each looking for, and make sure you’re on the same page.
Another option is to try to find sex parties in your area. Again, the Internet is your best bet. Sex parties can be hard to find, especially if you live in a rural area, but it’s worth a shot. You can also try going to your local sex shop and asking if they have an events board.
Wishing you the best of luck!